Ever since I read Life Without Ed, I’ve thought of my eating disorder as a relationship with a really unpleasant bitch named Ana. She’s terrible. She’s always putting me down, calling me fat, and trying to control me. She hates my friends, but tags along to every lunch outing to make sure I don’t actually have fun. Every time I say I’ve had enough and that we’re done, she cries and says she’ll change, that this time it will be different, that she loves me. And I fall for it every single time.
Meanwhile, I’m dating a wonderful girl named Christin. She makes me incredibly happy, and I love spending time with her. She accepts me for who I am and lifts me up. She thinks I’m beautiful the way I am, and I’m slowly learning to believe her. She supports me through the ups and downs that accompany my mental illnesses, and she wants me to be happy and healthy.
If I had to choose between Ana and Christin, it would be a no-brainer. Do I want to be with the girl who thinks nothing I do is ever good enough, the girl who will never like me unless I change everything about myself? Or do I want to be with the girl who likes me just the way I am, who appreciates the things that make me who I am, who sees good things even in the parts of myself that I don’t like? The answer is obvious.
Still, for some reason, I end up clinging to Ana as if I can have meaningful, fulfilling relationships with her and Christin. The reality is that I cannot. Last night I went to the local drag venue/burger joint with Christin and some other friends. It was my idea to go, and I was looking forward to it until I started thinking about what I was going to eat while I was out. Ana wasn’t invited, but she heard that we were going out, got jealous, and I reluctantly agreed to let her come. She told me that she’d love me more if I didn’t eat dinner, that it would make me prettier and more desirable. I ended up ordering something really small, much to Ana’s dismay, and I ate about half of it.
Immediately after I ate, I fled to the bathroom in the middle of the show to contemplate
purging. I ignored the fact that I was in one of my favorite places, surrounded by good friends; the fact that a place like Hamburger Mary’s celebrates acceptance and loving who you are, and Ana was screaming at me to do the exact opposite of that.
Before I could do anything detrimental, one of my friends came to check on me, and I returned to our table.
It doesn’t make sense to cling to “people” like Ana. She’s cold, cruel, hateful, and mean. I don’t want people like her in my life. I’m breaking up with her once and for all. This is the end.